being suspended from school has changed me a lot, in all honesty i havent learned a lesson. there hasent been much punishment except for my phone being taken away, and me not being able to go anywhere. i deleted mine & jons myspace today. all myspace does for us, is get me cheated on. so i put a stop to that, if he decides to make another one, well then he decides that he doesnt want to be with me. im almost 18 and i dont need to be dealing with any bullshit, hes not in school anymore he made that decision and he should be able to make the decision as to whom he wants to be with, and how he treats others. i love him more than anything, and its not that "middle school" love either. its something that i  know, because when im with him i can feel that. but what has to be done has to be done.  i really wish i could see jonathan, this whole suspension thing is getting really old. and i still have until tuesday. i thought this would put a damper on our relationship; hopefully im wrong. lately i've been over thinking everything its kinda insane. i have fear of rejection and being fucked over again, i think thats something that will always haunt me, i dont mean rejection like me being rejected by someone new or anything i mean rejected by him. and fucked over by him. im so scared that, thats going to happen again.  i dont think that most girls have been what ive been through, and if they have im sure they put a stop to it, but not me...it keeps happening.
i hope since we've hit 2 years that it changed him, made him realize something. i dont know. im rambling. im bored. and i want to leave my house.

wow.
this has been forever.

i'm in the media center. [=
first lunch got out about 40 minutes ago,
& im in here for the 2nd part of 3rd period.

ive been conversating a lot with him,
in the past few days.
5 missed calls & 2 voice mails.
as i read on my phone.
i was pretty shocked to see that.
i even spoke with him in person today.
let lone, i gave him a hug.
it's weird, & akward.
not mentioning the pain that i went
through the past week or so, seeing
him with all these girls.

i dont know what to believe
i dont know if what he's telling
me is lies or not.
i just cant step up to the plate
& face the facts.

i also dont want to be suckered in
to anything. i have so many emotions
running through my head right now.
i cant seem to think straight.




im gonna go, tori just walked in,
& im gonna go hang out with her.
oh how i love the media center. ha
riiiight.

my life has been so stressful lately.& if you know me, you know im not one to deal with stress well. I’m going to lay low for awhile & try to concentrate on school, because school's more important that any boy in my life. If you haven’t heard already, im sure you'll hear it; me & Jonathan broke up, & it is for the best in my eyes in his eyes, I don’t know how he's taking it & I don’t care to know how he's taking it. He brought this whole thing pretty much on himself. I’ve tried to resolve the what was going wrong, but he just wouldn’t listen, so I did what was in my heart for months, & finally decided to end it.
thats not the only reason...
a big part of my decision was; him acting like a complete total ass. in front of me & my friends.oh & did i fail to mention that he's childish & way immature. oh & he has this little problem, i'd like to call it; HE LIES A LOT.& i just don't need someone like that in my life. he was pretty much bringing me down, even when i thought he was lifting me up. he was holding me back from my friends, in which i need more than him. pretty much if would just stay out of my life completly.
i'd be a happy camper. [=

As Shes Writing This, Shes Seeking For What She Saw In Him.

Shes Not New At This Whole Love Ordeal, Shes Not New At It, At All.
She Knows Exactly How It All Works. & In The End, Shes Left All Heartbroke
& Alone.

She Trys & Trys & Trys Until She Finally Gives In.

At This Point The Relationship Is Decessed.

Even Though They Arent Together, At This Point She Feels Theres A Sense Of
Pleasure He Needs. She Does As Told.

& She Gives Up, Pleasing Him Is No More In Her Interest. Theres More To
Life Then Making Him Happy, She Needs To Be Happy Herself, Without Him,

She Trys. & It's Not Possible. At This Point, She Thrives For His Love.
Needing Him, Needing To Hear His Voice, Needing To Feel His Sense Of Touch.

She Slowly Has Become Addicted To Him, & He Doesnt Even Know It.

Like Any Other Addiction, This One Needs To Be Pleased. & She Thought,
"I Need Him", "I Need Him To Live My Life & Be Happy".

Once More, That Feeling Is Back. & She Doesnt Have Any Other Way To Overcome It.
The Only Way Is To Be With Him.

The Shot Is Given To Her, By Him. & She Takes It, Takes It For All Its Worth.
With In Mind, That She Needs This. She Thinks This Will Make Her Life Complete.

She Was Wrong. Complete Was Nothing Close To It.

It Ended Up In The End, That She Was Being Used. Used. Used. Used.

As That Word Haunts Her Each & Every Day She Looks Back & Wonder What
Was So Great About This Boy? What Was It That Had Caught Her Interest?
Was It His Sense Of Touch? Or Was It Her Desperation?

I Don't Think It Was Just Those Few Things. I Think It Was Her Sense Of Loss. &
The Positive Attention That He Had Given Her, When They We're Together.

She Will Never Forget This Boy, As He Has Changed Her So. & There Will Always
Be A Place For Him, In Her Heart. Until She Is Layed To Rest.